You Are Not Helping, Boss
Even those of us with less than 10 years working experience can recognize bad management skills when they see them. Between my jobs in college, my semester internships and my post-college employment roller coaster rides, I could probably pick poor management skills out of a line-up at three in the morning. So in honor of the first month in my MBA program and just because I feel like it, I’m writing an open letter to my bosses letting them know that the dumb things they did have not gone unnoticed. My collection of past and present supervisors will be consolidated under one false name for space and privacy purposes. (Not that I really need to worry that any of them are wasting time reading this. Most of them have a very busy puppy-kicking schedule to keep.)
TO: Maurice Ron
FROM: Me
RE: The Sense God Gave You, Lack Thereof
Good advice is something one seldom asks for but always needs. Please take my advice for what it is worth and remember that constructive criticism builds a better you.
- The management course you took that advised keeping ill-informed, angry, inept workers on your front lines (e.g. in customer service, on your sales force) was not seeing the whole picture. I would seriously consider rethinking this tactic.
- Do not implement an expensive and complicated software system before at least two people in your company understand it. Also, for the love of all that is good and decent, don’t take the older system off-line before you have a plan in place to fix the new one when (and I do mean when) it breaks.
- Please do not change the security code on the restrooms without telling anyone. It’s really not funny after the first two times.
- Proving Darwin’s survival theory with free pizza is not everyone’s idea of a good team building strategy. We truly do not like having to outwit, outsmart, or outplay our colleagues for food. In short, when ordering lunch for the office, do be sure to order enough for everyone.
- Do not refer to female employees over the age of 18 as “your girls” no matter how much you may think you look like Cary Grant.
- If you monitor your employees’ Internet use, do so wisely. The occasional Steven Wright-isms email is not cause for a memo. On the other hand, a 75% increase in traffic to Monster.com may be worth looking into.
- For the last time, learn the difference between “Reply” and “Reply to All.” It’s much easier than trying to explain how you meant “damn pain in the ass” in a good way. The corollary to this advice is to remember to hang up the phone completely before calling the person you were talking to a bastard.
- Do not assume that one over-performing department can make up for five under-performing departments. No, not even if they work Saturdays.
- The karaoke machine you rented for the office Christmas party did not make up for the lack of bonuses that year. It really didn’t.
- Your “whoever buys my lunch gets to be favorite employee of the day” routine wears thin really fast.
- Publicly berating people for their work performance does not make them better workers, it just makes them pissed at you and they often quit. You end up with empty positions and unfinished work. So when you think about it, your legendary tirades serve only as complete wastes of time.
Sincerely,
Your employee
Author’s Note: While I have exaggerated a bit for comic effect, most of the situations on which these comments based actually happened. I’ll be more than happy to explain on the boards if you’re really interested. I’d much rather read your additions to this list, though.
