The Art of the Spam Haiku
There is a God.
I don’t just say that because I’ve had some spirital awakening, but rather because one of the country’s biggest spammers is now facing criminal charges. On May 14th, Howard Carmack, a.k.a. the “Buffalo Spammer,” was arraigned on charges of stealing two New York residents’ identities to open fraudulent e-mail accounts for spamming purposes, falsifying business records, forging e-mail headers, and ownership of a program intended for that form of forgery. His bail was set at $20,000 – though if you want to see a big number, Earthlink’s complaints accused Carmack of having sent 825,000,000 pieces of fraudulent e-mail.
In my own little uniburb, thanks to the miracle that is Mailwasher, I no longer fear spam. Instead, I laugh at the subject lines that shall never again invade my inbox, consigning them to oblivion (and sending an annoying mailer-daemon-style bounce message back whence they came, thus returning the favor by filling their inbox with useless junk).
And in California, the state senate has passed a bill that would fine spammers $500 for every unwanted e-mail sent. How many people would set the necessary legal wheels in motion to collect said fines, who can say? I hope that bill passes into law and goes nationwide. I’d never need to work again.
But until other states adopt similar legislation, or until a cohesive national policy is put into place that would avoid the inevitable hide-and-seek game of playing states’ laws against each other ad nauseum, there’s Mailwasher, and the beauty of that program is that you can see where e-mail is coming from and its subject line without having to open it. In my own little bid to convince legislators to skewer spammers around the globe, I present to you the following absolutely real subject lines from my daily dose of spam. Hear me, o learned lawmakers: what you are about to read is a selection of supremely annoying, intrusive nonsense from people who have richly earned the privelege of paying me $500 for every time they show up in my inbox. If this is to be the basis of the new American economy, then bring it on! I’ll be writing up invoices for these twerps while you read this.
Remember: absolutely real.
Have you tried the Money Fountain ?
It’s never worked for me, you see. I guess I shouldn’t have peed in it that one time.
your own internet name for $14.95
Considering that you’ve just e-mailed me at an address on a domain that belongs to me, I would’ve thought you would be aware that I already have my own “internet name,” thank you very much. Evidently I’m giving you far too much credit here.
Interest rates have never been lower!
Damn straight. Why, it’s virtually impossible for me to calculate just how un-interested I am in your e-mail. My interest rate is therefore practically non-existent!
hi twsyygbjojqk
Sorry. You’ve reached the wrong number.
Click.
Have a Funny Lady Day
Hey, you too. And keep your bloody Klez virus to yourself while you’re at it.
LOSE 12-16 INCHES WHILE YOU SLEEP!
My only question is…will I be able to find them again?
ADD 4-6 INCHES!
Now wait a damn minute. I just lost 12-16 inches. Now it looks like I’m only looking at a grand total of an 8-10 inch loss. I want my money back!
i got a huge one, u can 2
I’d almost think this one was from Prince, only the sender’s name was – perhaps even more disturbingly – “Sally Sue.” Well, Sally, keep that thing to yourself. You could put someone’s eye out with it. Besides, I don’t need a huge one. I just had it downsized by 8-10 inches, remember?
The Cellular Phone Lie Detector!
Don’t need one. Mine just went off when I saw your e-mail. And I don’t even have a cell phone.
It’s 60% cheaper
That’s as may be, but I only got 60% of my inches, so don’t expect me to pay for it.
Heighten S/e/x/u/a/1 Satisfaction , 1 0 0 % Safe
Actually, I get a near-orgasmic jolt from wiping out a ton of spam with one click, so thanks, but no thanks. And your attempts to circumvent my spam filter by spacing out or otherwise dividing up your letters so they won’t be detected as a search string are laughable.
this site can help you build a casino
What if I don’t want it to?
why your computer is running so slow
Maybe it’s clogged with spam, ever think about that?
Legal help for pennies a day
Nothing extraordinary about this one except for the delicious irony that the e-mail’s “sender name” was “Copy DVDs to CD!” I’ll bet he needs legal help. Methinks someone forgot to change their template.
moms so bored, they get naked
Sorry to hear that about your mom. Are you in Amy’s class by some chance?
Fwd:Guaranteed Perfect Health
Yes, using our patented Daily Exercise And Total Health routine, or DEATH, you will never need another checkup again. Ever.
quality printing ink, up to 80% off
Did you steal that ink from a giant squid?
mjvement spinwle
Back atcha. I think you’ve got a hairball there – ACK!
we can help you get out of $D*E*B*T$
If you do that, surely you could get yourself out of debt and do better than spam me from a Juno address.
Just before we close, here’s the grand prize winner:
earl , you will to taste of our loss of weight product!
Erm…somebody set up us the bomb? All your spam are belong to us!
And finally, a bit of found art. The following near-haiku showed up one morning in the wee hours, consisting only of the following consecutive spam subject headers:
Tonia and her friends
Need an emergency flashlight?
To make $10,000 in one year.
Increase your manhood!
War sparks sharp increases.
Get high legally!
Rates at their lowest
URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUESTED
Wanna see how these girls pay the rent?
Security is needed now.
Lenders compete for your business.
Your wife says she wants this
100% legal teen girls
Tired of SPAM???
You bet I am, Sam.
What’s the point in me making $10,000 in one year with that emergency flashlight? If I just bill all of these spammers $500 each, I’ll net well over ten grand right there.
Slowly but surely, since this article was first written, Congress has begun examining the spam problem, and what has it taken to do it? A recent spate of completely fraudulent pyramid chemes, non-FDA-approved, untested drugs promising everything from quick weight loss to, as yet another subject header put it, “a longer load,” and that all-time classic, the Nigerian Money Scam. They’ve finally found the loophole that makes most spam legally actionable: most of it is fraudulent.
The above spam subject headers were culled from a single two-week period, and probably represent 1/200th of the actual total number of spam e-mails I bounced back to its senders in that period.