Reviewing an Old Curse
Once upon a time, I wrote a humor column for my college newspaper. I eventually appropriated the title of that column for this very site. As my sister graduated from high school this month, I got to thinking about one column I wrote back in March 1995. I thought I’d share it on today’s Not News as a tribute to her and as a glimpse at this site’s roots. Also, subsequent events have served to make the column funnier in retrospect than it ever was at the time.
When I was about 10 years old and, like all 10-year-old males, found the opposite gender utterly confusing (actually, this is not that different from all 20-year-old males, now that I think about it), I made a vow that I would never, ever so much as look at a female in a romantic light, let alone start a family. The onset of adolescence rendered this vow moot rather quickly; however, I recently renewed it, for vastly different reasons. I had a preview of the Parents’ Curse.
You know what I’m talking about, I’m sure. At the point where our parents’ frustration reaches the point where they’re looking like Warner Bros. cartoons, they pull out the Curse and say, “When you grow up I hope you have children just like you.�
We shrug this off as kids; we figure, hey, we’re such great individuals that raising carbon copies would be a breeze. It’s not our fault our parents are so out of touch, right?
Hah.
See, my parents weren’t just satisfied with wishing the Curse on me. They actually did something about it. They had another kid, who turned out to be (you guessed it) just like me. Well, almost. Alison is 10 years younger than me, which means I am the perfect age to play Mr. Big Brother whenever Mom or Dad need five minutes of peace and quiet. Hoping to stretch those five minutes out to a few days, they gladly brought little sister all the way to New York from Philadelphia for Sibling Weekend. Being homesick, I originally thought this was a great idea.
However, nine-year-olds tend to have rather stubborn independent streaks. Dinner was every parent’s and older sibling’s nightmare. First, she didn’t want to eat anything. Then, she wanted a sandwich, and overrode my judgment that the bread she’d selected was stale. We got back to the table, and I started trying to eat.
“Dave, I can’t eat anything.�
“Why not?�
“The bread’s stale.�
Trying an old parent trick, I said, “I told you it was stale.�
“Yeah,� she shot back, “but you let me have it.�
“She has a point,� someone else at the table said.
“Shut up,� I replied while I got up to fill Alie’s order for a roll. I brought it back, remade the sandwich, and was rewarded with the sound of:
“I don’t want this. It has seeds.�
“You can’t taste the seeds. Turn the roll upside down.�
“There are still seeds.�
This was true – about eight seeds were on the bottom of the roll. Alie began scraping them off with a knife.
Sounding exactly like my mother, I yelled, �JUST EAT IT!� Afterward, I heard my hair turning gray.
When I announced that we would be attending the sing-along scheduled for that evening, she rather loudly stated that she was not interested, conjuring images of me begging my mother to let me stay home instead of going shopping. When we finally arrived late, a half hour late, she decided that she liked it after all and was upset with me for arriving late. Then she went to the back of the McGinley ballroom and started playing with another kid while the adults and college students present – me included – were taught how to play the spoons.
After navigating through dessert, a movie, and putting the kid to bed (at two in the morning), the time came for Dad to pick Alison up. After 24 hours of exasperation and gnashing of teeth, I watched the car pulling out of the lot and turned around to walk back home. It was finally quiet again.
But you know what? I missed the noise.
As it turns out, I got one thing wrong writing this piece. My sister’s not just like me after all. She’s better. Congratulations, Alie.
About Dave Thomer
Born and raised in Philadelphia. Studied philosophy at Fordham University in the Bronx, where I made many great friends and met my wonderful wife. We moved back to Philadelphia, where I studied philosophy some more and became a teacher. Online and off, I'm looking for ways that we can be better citizens and build stronger communities.