Questions to Expect When You’re Expecting
As most of our regular Not News readers know, Dave and I are expecting our first child in April of 2002 (or whenever he or she feels like arriving, but that’s the ballpark). Since this is our first pregnancy, there’s been a great deal for us to learn and get used to in a relatively short amount of time. (Think the “We mustn’t panic, we mustn’t panic” scene from Chicken Run.) One thing that takes a bit of patience is getting used to all the questions we (well, mostly I) get asked. All kinds of questions. I’m patient, because, frankly, I know I’ve interrogated my share of expectant mothers so it’s only fair that I take a little. Also, I know people are just plain curious. They see a belly. They know how it got there but they still want to know more.
Bottom line, I have to be patient because if I can’t have patience with this, why the heck am I having a kid? Here’s a list of my favorites:
How are you feeling? I’ve come to the conclusion that many people have a morbid fascination with morning sickness and other pregnancy-related ailments. Oh, I know most people ask this question out of genuine concern. But deep down I have to wonder that they aren’t waiting for me to wow them with tales of uncontrolled nausea at the sight of green M&M’s or swollen feet the size of Lake Michigan. There’s a great deal of pressure to impress here. I hate to disappoint them but most of the time I just feel tired. No throwing up, just sleepy . . . hey where are you going?
What are your cravings? Expect this question and the previous one to come as a set. There is still the tremendous pressure to impress, or in this case, gross someone out so much that they throw up. If you are like me, and unlucky enough to not have had any cravings, invest some time thinking some up or stealing other pregnant women’s cravings. Why get that bored look when you have to tell someone “Oh, none, really” or “Just milk, actually” (Lord, I am dull!) when you can wow them with “sauerkraut on graham crackers” or “Oreos with bean dip?” C’mon, your pride is at stake here.
How far along are you? This is a dangerous question for two reasons. One, doctors measure pregnancy in weeks, the general public does so in months – the figures never match. I’ve been pregnant about 384 weeks now — or just over five months. To amuse yourself, you can give the person who’s asking one figure and ask them to compute the other. Hours of fun, I tell you.
Secondly, if you’re being asked by a someone who has already had a baby, there will be the inevitable comparison between your size and how “big” she was at this stage. There’s no way to avoid this. If you’re carrying larger, you may get some hearty encouragement about having a “strong one” or a “bruiser.” If you’re carrying smaller, expect follow-up questions about exactly how much weight you’ve gained, what you eat, etc. How much weight you gain during pregnancy is a very political issue. If you gain less than 25 pounds, lie as much as possible. Pad that number, double it, triple it if you have to. You’ll thank me later.
Do you know if it’s a boy or girl? I know this question is inevitable but sometimes I wonder if everyone is keeping a global tally and needs my baby’s gender to meet some sort of headcount deadline. This isn’t quite so bad now that we know. I’m quite happy to share the news. Besides, it’s not like I can keep it a secret forever. Though to be honest, I got this question so early on in my pregnancy (as early as 2 weeks, can you imagine?) – I worry that there’s some “way” to know that I just missed. Was I absent the day in Sex Ed that they gave out the “Morning After Gender Decoder Rings”?
Do you have any names picked out? I cannot imagine how some parents-to-be manage to get to the end of the pregnancy without having this issue settled. You get asked this question every eight seconds or so. Good luck to you folks who’d like to keep both this and the baby’s gender a surprise because curious mobs have been known to beat at least one out of you. Yes, it’s a complicated issue — should we name the baby after someone, who should that person be? What will the family think? However, the two most important things to keep in mind when picking a name: a) how does it sound screamed across a crowded grocery store (because that’s what you’ll be doing with it most often) and b) is it “trendy” (that is, will all the kids in the store come running when you scream it)?
That, in a nutshell, has been my pregnancy thus far. I am sure that, in some strange way, dealing with these questions has helped prepare me for motherhood. I would advise most mothers-to-be to also pick up a copy of Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care and What to Expect When You’re Expecting. These books give you clear, understandable answers to many of your own pregnancy questions. It will give you peace of mind until you get to your doctor’s office and learn that it was all wrong anyway. Good Luck.
