Waiting for the Blood to Pop Out of My Forehead
So as part of the professional development program that my school and district have implemented, my principal has suggested I keep a reflection journal. I truly think this is a good idea. I spend a lot of time thinking to myself – my wife says she can hear me thinking when I’m supposed to be going to sleep – but the act of wrestling a thought to the point where it makes sense in written form is a whole different thing. It’s even something I meant to do at the start of the year, but I always found excuses not to follow through. I’ve become so scared of the blank sheet of paper – or the blank screen – and so tired that I don’t have the hours to sit and noodle at the keyboard. By the time I was done my dissertation, I had gotten into the habit of pretty much trying to sneak up on a writing project by leaving the screen open while I read something in another tab, and every now and then jotting down a thought until I had actually filled up a page. That doesn’t work so well when you’re sitting down and saying “I have to find something to say right now, in the next 45 minutes!”
There’s another thing that some of my reading has contributed to. I’ve talked in other posts about how I struggle against the logic of determinism. I read books like The Victory Lab, which explains how political scientists and political campaigners are able to test and predict the way people will vote and be persuaded to vote. I read about the links between socioeconomic class and academic success and think about the structures that have shaped the way I see the world. I see – and feel – the evidence that our physical state affects the way we think and feel. And while some of it motivates me to want to work for a better world, part of it becomes an escape hatch. I’m sick, I think, so I should rest and let my body do what it’s trying to do. I’m tired, I decide, so I shouldn’t try to write when my thoughts are so foggy. I need to figure out some ways to reverse that feedback loop, so instead I’m thinking about how excited I am by this new idea, and I need to write about it to share it. I hope the journal will help me with that push. I hope this post does this same.
Day 1 of the rest of the year. Let’s see where it goes.
About Dave Thomer
Born and raised in Philadelphia. Studied philosophy at Fordham University in the Bronx, where I made many great friends and met my wonderful wife. We moved back to Philadelphia, where I studied philosophy some more and became a teacher. Online and off, I'm looking for ways that we can be better citizens and build stronger communities.